After Christmas, a 3rd-grade teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
            
             We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .  Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.  They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.  They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.  There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.  At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.  Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.  Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And they eat the same thing every night - early birds.   Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.  The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.  My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.   When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

           

For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.  From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?” 

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.  The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet,  then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.  He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"  No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"  Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"  Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"  Again there is no response so he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

 "Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether  or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

 

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a  teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the  bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket  because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed  near the window?"

What a great movie!  You name it, this movie has it: acting, story, directing, drama, action, and Matthew McConaughey, how hot is that?  This movie is a must see!

 

• Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below:
  • Two Six-year Senate terms
  • Six Two-year House terms
  • One Six-year Senate term and three Two-Year House terms
• No Tenure / No Pension:  A member of Congress collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when he/she is out of office.
• Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security:  All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately.  All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates in it with the American people.
• All members of Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.
• All members of Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.  Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
• Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.
• Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.
• All contracts with past and present members of Congress are void, effective 1/1/11.

The American people did not make these contracts with members of Congress.  Congress made all these contracts for themselves.  Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career.  The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s) and then go home and back to work.

 

#10
   Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
   Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
   
   #9
   Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
   Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
     
   #8
   Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
   Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."
     
   #7
   Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
   Caddy: "Eventually."
     
   #6
   Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
   Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a Coincidence."
     
   #5
   Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
   Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
   
   #4
   Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
   Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."
   
   #3
   Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
   Caddy: "The way you play, it’s a sin on any day."
   
   #2
   Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
   Caddy: "This isn't the golf course.  We left that an hour ago."
     
   #1 Best Caddy Comment:
   Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
   Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
   
   And the old favorite is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole.  He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club ".  The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says "No, the other end"  

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.  She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.  Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.  Air fresheners were hung everywhere.  Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.   Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.  Repairmen refused to work in the house.  The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later -  even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.  She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

    Back in October, Diane saw an article in the Arizona Republic about a retired geology teacher and author who was leading hikes through the Spur Cross Ranch Conservation Area.  For some time now I have been expressing an interest in hiking so this seemed like a great opportunity.  The next opportunity was Saturday, October 16th at 9 a.m. and it only cost $3.00/person.

    Well, the day came and off we went.  Unfortunatly many others apparently read the article too.  There must have been over a hundred people gathered in the dusty heat awaiting Tom McGuire to lead us on the "Rocks & Streams Walk"

    It had been no small drive up to the park and I needed to go to the restroom.  We were told that there were portapotties just 200 feet ahead.  I am a big fan of understatement as a source of hilarity, but this was just too much.  Between the heat and the rocky terraine, this "200 feet" wound up being our "hike".  The rest of the large group fell into rank behind the guide and off they went.  Diane and I settled for taking some great snapshots of the wonders of nature and headed back to civilization.

    The good news is that The Bolders Resort was on the way home.  We stopped and had a wonderful breakfast and returned home.  I've taken another look at my hiking ambitions since then and there will probably be no further blogs on the topic.  Great breakfast at the Bolders though... 

    Do you sometimes sign up for stuff while dining in a restaurant.  Well, that's what Diane did and we wound up getting an invitaion to a "tasting" event at Carrabba's Italian Grill.  This was held on October 7th at 6:30 p.m.

    The word "tasting" led me to believe that we were looking at hors d'oeuvres and a possible stop at McDonald's on the way home.  Boy was I wrong.  When we arrived at the restaurant, we were escorted to a long table that was set for 80 people.  Here is the menu we were presented:

• Rustic Risotto Poppers:  Crispy, bit size "poppers" of risotto, homemade sausage and red bell pepers, served with marinara dipping sauce

• Crab Cakes:  A crab cake made with fresh jumbo lump crab meat seared in a cast iron skillet, served with our roasted red bell pepper sauce
• Caesar Salad
• Lobster Linguini:  Linguini with garlic and extra virgin olive oil tossed with lobster meat, loster base, spinach and mushrooms
• Sirloin with Parmesan crusted chicken:  Grilled sirloin, served with sauteed chicken breast crusted with parmesan cheese and breadcrumbs
• Italian cream cake:  Layers of strawberries, rosa cake and strawberry marscapone cream
• Red and white wine or Peroni draft included

    This was an unbelievable meal.  And all it cost was a gratuity which I was thrilled to leave.  Go ahead Diane, feel free to sign us up if this is what we get!